Giant-Sized House Rules! Part One (Week of 04/12/06)

Death and Return of HouseT: Part One: Death of HouseT

By Thomas "HouseT" Houston

(On Deck: FNSM #7, Captain Atom #7, T-Bolts #101, Ms. Marvel #2, Cable & Deadpool #27, Superman #651)

Man! Who knew there'd be so much pressure trying to put together a review column. Deadlines, compilations, spell checking... it's almost too much to handle and now, without warning... I'm... behind?

Oh no. It's the most dreaded foe I'll ever face.

They call him... Backlog.

It'll take every thing I have to overcome him, to stop this from snowballing into the end of everything. Have to push harder than I ever have before. Even if it kills me.

So much stress... lame issue jokes... no one cares about these comics anymore... no one reads these reviews anyway... no! Must push on. Must make one final push... to post draft...

*click*
*click*

*thud*


Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #7

"Masks Part 2 (of 2)"

Writer: Peter David
Art: Roger Cruz/Victor Olazaba

Note-a-Quote: " Look! Over there! It's Doctor Strange's ectoplasmic form, delivering a woman's baby!" -Tony Stark, Iron Man (This guy's so great he should have his own boo... oh yeah...)

Juan-Carlos AKA the masked wrestler El Muerto lies in a hospital bed recovering after having been speared by Spider-Man's poisonous stinger last issue. J. Jonah Jameson rants about how Spider-Mna will pay for pulling a weapon during a wrestling match. Jonah's apparently out of touch with the state of modern wrestling.

Meanwhile, Iron Man and Spidey fly through the city. Well, one of them glides, but you get the idea. Spidey has been in the process of trying to explain what the nature of his stinger appendage is, but has a hard time embracing the mystical aspects. Tony uses the above quote to note that, as superheroes, the two of them face magic and science co-mingling on a regular basis. Tony tells Peter that just because Peter chooses to investigate a mysticla connection doesn't mean that he's abandoning science. It's entirely possible the two are connected by some as yet undiscovered aspect. As scientists, they should consider all of their options.

Back at the hospital, Juan-Carlos asks where he is. Jonah explains to Juan-Carlos that he's in the hospital because of Spider-Man's stinger (but then, we already know that). Jonah tells Juan-Carlos that he will recover and that he's perfectly safe, which may be premature as a large gold figure becomes visible behind them.

Meanwhile, Aunt May and Jarvis prepare to go on their "special evening." Unbeknownst to them (great word, that is. Unbeknownst...), a figure lurks in the shadows, watching...

Over at the hospital, the gold fighter El Dorado tells Jonah nad Robbie to stand aside or die. Jonah is either too brave or too stupid to listen, and notes that the pen is mightier than the sword. Unfortunately for Jonah, El Dorado has two swords. And I'm not even sure that Jonah has a pen to begin with.

Enter Spider-Man through a window to save the day. Or at least to distract El Dorado long enough for Jonah and Robbie to beat it. El Dorado figures that Juan-Carlos has lured Spidey here as an offering to him, and as such decides that Juan-Carlos' life can be spared. Unfortunately, that means that Spidey must die.

El Dorado goes sword crazy. Spidey blocks with his stinger spikes. El Dorado tells Spidey that he is a creature of legacy, just like El Dorado and El Muerto. Spidey counters that his powers come from science and nature, but El Dorado notes that Spidey's powers are far from natural. Despite his attempt to the contrary, Spidey has a stinger spike cme out again, but El Dorado boldly states that his mystical gold armor can deflect any power and sends Spidey to the next floor up without the use of an elevator.

At Avengers Tower, Tony Stark puts the finishing touches on removing the hidden cast he placed on Mary Jane's arm. Tony Stark jokes that he has also has a built-in liposuction device and an onboard dessert cart, leading me to believe that he really did build a George Foreman grill into Peter's outfit. Tony asks MJ why she seems a bit guarded around him lately, and she admits that Tony has been a good friend, she's worried that that might change.

At the hospital, El Dorado stalks Spidey, who has ducked into a laboratory. El Dorado tells Spidey that despite his protests, magic does flow through him. Spidey, meanwhile, is mixing liquids in test tubes. Aw, no. He couldn't be...

El Dorado finds Spidey before the web slinger can complete his process, but El Muerto appears and distracts El Dorado for a few precious moments. That's all Spidey needs to finish his mixing and and unleash his chemical creation. One part nitric, three parts hydrochloric, all acid, and in just the right formation too melt El Dorado's gold armor.

Oh snap.

Oh. My. Snap.

That's right. Peter Parker just beat a bad guy... with science.

Old school! Old school!

Spidey knocks the snot out of El Dorado, but the bad guy is no where to be found when Spidey tries to catch up too him.

At the restaurant, May and Jarvis are having a hum dinger of a time. May catches herself talking about Ben and apologizes. Jarvis is quite understanding about it though, which helsp put May at ease. Just as May is about to tell Jarvis something, she notices a shadowy figure on the street through a window and goes pale.

Oh snap.

Oh. My. Snap.

Could it be... Uncle Ben?

...? That can't be the end of the book. How can you possibly end the book that way? PAD, you cad, why must you leave a cliffhanger that... hangery?

And heck, this title is beyond good right now. If someone had told me you could do a two-parter about a masked wrestler and make it utterly enjoyable, I'd have had my doubts up front. If you told me PAD would do it, I might think it possible. But by gosh, this was a nicely laid out story.

PAD shows us that someone other than JMS can delve into the debate over Spider-Man's roots without it getting too preachy. And he also shows us that it's entirely possible to address the scientific side of a mystical aspect without abandoning the mystical side (and vice versa). It's pretty deep stuff, and if you ask me I'm still as fine with Peter having a possible mystical tie as I always have been. And I have always been fine with it.

The art in this book makes the grade. In a book that includes masked grapplers, the design and stature of figures like El Dorado and El Muerto are well laid out. Iron Man is particularly... irony? Nah, that ain't it, but you get the idea. Even May and Jarvis have nice detail to them, which is good for a pair that can sometimes best be described as "old lady and butler dude."

There are good things afoot with this book. I highly recommend F'n Spider-Man. Er, that is... F.N. Spider-Man. That's what I meant.

Story: 8/10 (As solid as a Spider-tale gets.)
Art: 7/10
Overall: 7/10



Captain Atom: Armageddon #7(of 9)

"Who Says the World Needs Saving?"

Writer: Will Pfeifer
Art: Giusieppe Camuncoli/Sandra Hope

Note-a-Quote: "Can't imagine they'd still be printing newspapers if I destroyed the universe." -Captain Atom (Ah, Nathaniel. Never underestimate the tenacity of the New York Post...)

The Skinny: Faced with the newly increasing powers of the Void-infused, Nikola, Atom pulls a page from the Superman playbook and opts for speech over fisticuffs. It has a surprisingly positive result.

Meanwhile, the Authority, convinced that Atom is still set to blow up all of their reality, send Engineer to put him down for good. Nate decides he needs more proof than a machine can provide and uses his powers to jump a week into the future. Finding proof of the continued existence of the universe and bringing physical evidence back, Nathaniel confronts Engineer with a choice of what to believe, his proof or some wacky trans-dimensional computer. Yeah, you know a fight breaks out.

Engineer gets the upper hand quick, but Grifter lends the Captain an assist and provides just enough time for him to revert Engineer to human form.

Aboard to Authority's ship, Jack Hawksmoor notes that the world is doomed unless someone stops Captain Atom now. Apollo and Midnighter appear up for the task, which they note won't take long.

My Take: Captain Atom is still awesome. That's the long and short of it. Where I was first asking why this series was set for nine issues, I'm now quietly resenting that there's only two issues left. Not that I don't want this storyline resolved, because I do. But it's been such a great run so far that I hate to see it end.

Despite solid appearances by Wildstorm characters, Captain Atom is still showcasing the title (as he should). His realization when confornting Nicola that he was thinking like "them" and needed to try smething other than violence to solve his problems is the type of thing you'd expect a hero of his caliber to do. Ironically, his attempts at not destroying everything lead to people being equal parts impressed and annoyed by him.

There's also the interesting twist of whether or not Nathaniel is still set to blow up. The fix he recieved last issue seemed a little too convenient, but so then does the computer data that he's still broken. Especially since both he and the Doctor have been to the future and seen that it's still there. Unless, of course, something Atom does in the next day or so voids all that, which may be likely.

Captain Atom has put all kinds of applications of his powers on display, and this issue is no exception. Between controlled time jumps (which we all know CA rarely does) and removing powers from Engineer by altering her atomic structure, the guy's a virtual powerhouse. And that's the way I like him.

My only major gripe about the issue would be the cover art, which would have been better used in the next issue since Apollo and Midnighter don't even appear in this issue until the last page. Not to mention it ruined any chance of their appeanace being a surprise. Really, guys, don't drop the ball like that again.


Story: 8/10 (Captain Atom needs his own title... pronto!)
Art: 7/10 (Aside from the cover snafu, pretty solid.)
Overall: 8/10 (Only two more issues, but what a lead-in.)


Thunderbolts #101

"Why Ask Why?"

Writer: Fabian Nicieza
Art: Dave Ross/Cam Smith

The Skinny: In the aftermath of the loss of Genis-Vell AKA Photon, Songbird checks in on her teammates, each of whom has settled into their personally designed quarters in Baron Zemo's Castle O' Portals. Through flashbacks, we see how Zemo and Songbird spent time together in the past, and what led to their eventual... pairing.

Only Chen Lu, the Radioactive Man, figures out that something is amiss with Melissa's actions. but it turns out that not even he's completely in the know, as Mel reveals that the only reasons she's close to Zemo is so that when the time is right... she can kill him.

My Take: Thank you. I had been hoping there was some kind of double swerve in effect when Mel got all tongue happy with Zemo. And while the cover made me cringe a little, I held out faith that maybe there'd be something redeemable in the book. Fortunately, I was right, although who can tell what will eventually unfold when you're dealing with the T-Bolts.

I liked the personal interactions in this issue, as they show that Mel does have the leadership of the team well in hand. Her approach with each team member shows that she does have a firm grasp on what motivates them (or conversely, what discourages them). Aside from the fact that she's deliberately misleading them, it shows a good team dynamic.

Also enjoyable about the book was the discovery of the deception by Dr. Chen Lu. You know, the guy is actually a doctor, which means he's no slouch in the brains department. And it's always nice to see him use his powers in conjunction with said mind, especially when it grants him the power to see the big picture.

The T-Bolts have slowly become one of my favorite hero teams, so here's hoping they can steer back to the right track and stay that reluctant hero team I've come to know and love.

Story: 6/10 (An okay bridge, but still convoluted in a few places.)
Art: 6/10 (I should dock this one point for forcing me to look at the cover... ech!)
Overall: 6/10



Ms. Marvel #2

Writer: Brian Reed
Art: Roberto de la Torre/Jimmy Palmiotti

The Skinny: Carol Danvers is having one of those nights. No, not one of those "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" nights (and I don't exactly endorse those myself). Having stumbled upon a crash landing Brood space pod, Carol ends up in a bitter battle for life The battle is interrupted by the arrival of Cru. Cru who? God bless you.

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

Cru grabs Carol and creates some sort of link, forcing her to reveal the location of cavortie crystals. What's a cavorite crystal? More on that in a minute. Cru takes off, but Carol stays behind to take out the remaining Brood before they can pose a threat. Cornering a Brood warrior, Carol forces it to reveal why its on Earth.

We go on to learn that the Brood fear Cru because it is an alien that hunts them. That alone would be problematic enough, but the Brood have hatched a plan whereby they have tricked Cru into believing that it could use a cavorite crystal as a weapon. Of course, if Cru tries to do that by channeling energy through a crytal, it will blow itself and half the planet up. Nice guys, those Brood,

Carol rushes to try and stop Cru from achieving its goal, but appears to arrive mere seconds late as Cru channels energy into a cavorite crystal and the world fades to white.

The world's being disintegrated, but it could be worse. It could be the start of House of M II. Oh, what? You know you wanted to say it, too.

My Take: And a good deal more of Carol Danvers goodness is had by all. The story of Carol's solo adventures continues as she battles with dual alien threats and her own insecurities. It's both refreshing and disturbing to see a hero with an internal dialogue that's so honest. It's also a little painful to see Carol not get much respect from anyone, alien or human. I'd like to think that if someone just saved me from alien disintegration or worse, I could come up with a better thought to have than, "I wish a real Avenger was here..."

On top of that. Carol has to deal with second guessing herself when she let Cru go and stayed behind to stop the Brood. Mind you, trading a few hundred innocent lives to save the world isn't a choice to be made lightly, but all things considered, she still feels like she's dropped the ball. Heck, given the book's ending she may well have dropped the ball.

Of course, that would make for a very short ongoing title.

Story: 7/10 (Still solid storytelling)
Art: 6/10 (Woman in spandex and aliens... how can one go wrong here?)
Overall: 7/10


Cable and Deadpool #27

"Born Again Part Two: With Eyes Open"

Writer: Fabian Nicieza
Art: Lan Medina/Ed Tadeo

Note-a-Quote: "I would do something about it, but I'm afraid I'd get turned into the spleen of Apocalypse or something." -Deadpool


The Skinny: Cable has revealed his master plan... the revival of Apocalypse. Why? That's a complicated answer, but it goes something like this.

It turns out that way back when, a time-travelling Cable managed to kill a fairly mortal Apocalypse. But then Cable spilled his own blood on the battlefield, and his techno-organic infected blood mixed with Apocalypse's allowing him to become nearly immortal.

So now that Apocalypse has been finally killed by Cable in the here and now, Cable feels the best way to keep his dream of a world of peace and love on track is to bring Apocalypse back to life. Yeah. Let's just say that when you have a plan and Deadpool thinks it makes sense, that should be your first red flag.

My Take: Okay, here's the thing. I've been good with going along with what Cable was up to because, up until now there was some kind of method to his madness. Annoy the world governments to unite them against a common foe and solidify his own haven for world unity. Steal or find the items necessary to mimic his old powers. Not so bad.

But... reviving Apocalypse? The Apocalypse that threatens the world and humans and mutants alike. The Apocalypse that gave you the techno-organic virus that you somehow apparently gave him first (and heaven knows I hate paradoxical Terminator time logic)? Revive that guy, because you know that the good guys will win again, and you'll be closer to bringing the world together afterwards?

That's just nuts. And coming from what's supposed to be the sane side of the duo in this team book, it hinges on unacceptable. Even with an ace up his sleeve, Cable's hinging on bonkers with this one.

The only good news is that it looks like things will get back to abnormal next issue with a guest appearance by Domino. Just in time for me to forget this whole thing ever happened.

Story: 4/10 (Not the issue or arc to have jumped on board.)
Art: 6/10
Overall: 5/10 (Just enough story and humor to carry it, but not very far.)


Superman #651

"Up, Up, and Away! Chapter Three: Bare Hands"

Writer: Kurt Busiek/Geoff Johns
Art: Pete Woods

Note-a-Quote: "To be honest, Lois, I was expectng a big, green 'S' at the very least." -Hal Jordan (You, me, and every fanboy within a 1000 mile radius, Hal.)

The Skinny: Clark tries out the ring given to him Hal Jordan with interesting results. Instead of making him into a green clad Superman fan art design. it simply makes him a glowy Clark Kent. While he tells Hal that he'll think it over, Clark later tells Lois that he has no intention of accepting the ring and becoming a superhero again. Clark notes that if he had that desire, he would have made a costume with the ring instead of keeping his Clark persona. Clark is content with being just human adn having an ordinary life.

In the meantime, Hal and Hawkgirl have to handle an assault from the Prankster, which keeps them from stopping the Flea Circus from springing Kryptonite Man from Stryker's Island Prison.

The K-Man is taken to Luthor's hideout, where Metallo is being prepped for a special... "Operation." With Toyman involved, it means exactly what you'd expect it would. Luthor pulls out Metallo's kryptonite heart, and Toyman asks Luthor if luthor finally has enough.

Revealing a massive storehouse of green kryptonite, Luthor notes that he'd liek to have more, but this will have to do.

My Take: I'll be honest with you. As plots go, this is about as avaerage as you can get without being bad. And the issue isn't bad, mind you. It's just very, very directed. Once the potential of GL Supes is proven nil, this issue becomes nothing but a bridge between last issue and the next one. As such, the only real new information is that Lex Luthor has a massive stockpile of green K, and intends to use it for some evil purpose.

Beyond that, not much. Clark's happy with being human, but we knew that. The city's being covered, but we knew that. Lex still has a few favors he can cash in, and Toyman has a twisted sense of humor. Known, and known. Luthor will do something bonus evil, clark will stop him, and Superman will be back before long. Heck, we knew that in the first issue.

Story: 5/10 (Nice introspective, but still just a bridge issue)
Art: 6/10 (Art's still nice, though.)
Overall: 5/10 (A nice issue, but skippable.)

That's it for part one of Giant-Sized. Tune in for part two. Who are these strange new reviewers, and which one will rise up and reveal himself to be the one true HouseT? Or will any of them? Wait and see. Wait... and see.