Tips For Tuesday: Surviving A Company Wide X-Over

So you've just found yourself in a company wide crossover that doesn't seem to be keeping down the death toll? Not an A-Lister that is pretty much ensured a safe trip and two mini-series after this whole thing blows over? Well, there are a few tips that you can use next time you find yourself next to that one guy from that one Fantastic Four arc and the alternate version of that one villian from that one Daredevil issue in the back of a brawl panel, and want to make it out of this whole crazy thing alive.

#15: Do not be a sidekick or a "Hero Name I/II/III/IVXVIVX." You'll either get screwed with like you or you'll be despised. Oh, you saved the world and defeated a villian who can blow up people's mind by blinking? They don't give a shit. They're to busy swooning over that vet who betrayed them twice, killed a few of them, and made them look like idiots. Ah well. At least Kinko's is hiring.



#14: Also Slasher Flick Survival Tip #32: Do not show any signs of love towards any other living being at this point in time, because if you do, your heart and main arteries will kerplode. Don't know why, but they usually attack the ones with all the heart, and rip them out Temple Of Doom style.

#13: Do not be The Flash.......... Do I need to explain?

#12: Do not be the villian. This may come as a shock to you, but every villian dies at the end of each crossover, whether it's a cosmic entity or Earth-5 Snapper Carr eating paint pigments, you'll be dead at the end of this whole thing. Suprised?

#11: Do not be "cult" popular. And a C-F lister. Before your 30 fanboys can shed a tear, you'll be torn apart by a bolt in the back of a panel with that one character who showed up in two Generation X issues.

#10: Wear sleek, shiny, pitch black leather and/or pleather suit, with menancing mask if possible. Never say something the least bit humourous or break your constant "I must break you" pose. If you wear something one speck brighter than black, or crack a smile, your dead where you stand.



#09: Do not be heroic. Even if a bus full of babies and old women is teetering on a tootpick-thin string above a river of flaming puppy blood, act like you heard someone call your name and wander off in the other direction. Some villian shot a death ray towards your friend? Let him go. He had a good run, and that one mini-series was okay. Because the first instance you jump at a chance to do something remotely heroic, you'll be playing Yahtzee with Dr. Conner's arm up in Heaven.

#08: If killed or dying, find Superman and rub your face or smoldering arm remains unto his cape. Evidence has shown that Lois nor Clark washes that shit. You'll have a good chance of being resurrected when a cosmic being passes by and resurrects from a few skin flakes or sweat beads. This would also give you an oppurtunity to introduce Superman to the wonders of washing machines.



#07: Do everything in your mind to be a collosal douchebag. Be on the other end of every discussion, start arguments for no reason, and claim other heroes aren't doing their job. You can go a step further by doing things like lighting people's capes on fire, sleeping with their spouses, ding-dong-dicthing their house. The most unliked or despised character always seem to come out of things healthy and shiny.

#06: Avoid the big battles. Twenty Galactuses are terrorizing New York?! Don't be one of the groups of people who decided that even though they have trouble fighting pre-teen bank robber or have no powers what so ever, they can somehow help out killing a being that can litterally sneeze at them to blow them up. Find a town thats on fire or some hobo getting mauled by a dog, help out there, and every now and then say things like "Things are such hectic over here, too!" in the communicator, even though the others are fighting someone who could crush the globe was his pinky, and your putting extra change in all the expired parking meters.

#05: Do not uncover some big mystery by yourself. Wow, you found out the government has been brainwashing heroes for several centuries? Great, now your dead. You couldn't have just gotten D-Man or The Doom Patrol to come with you?

#04: Stay on earth. All of those space-based crisis folk are dead in the water. Sure, there may be twenty Earths all in a state of emergency or a crazy witch lady alternating reality, but at least your not one of those characters who is doomed to die in a one panel space brawl explosion.

#03: Do not be part of the main crossover title. This is where B through Z Listers go to die. An elephant graveyard of sorts. You may be safe in that one crossover title where that other hero is helping the hobo getting mauled by a dog, but in the "big one," your name is praticlly drawn out of a hat.

#02: Die with dignity. Yes, the person killing you may have only been in one Howard The Duck issue in the seventies, but don't just keel over and die that instant. Find a death pose your comfortable with, and a saying to yell with your last gasp, and let it all out. (Note: Do not use last breath to promote your on-going, since it's probably cancelled.)

#01: If you find yourself suddenly in the back of a group shot, the subject of one panel, or your in the middle of huge battle AND your a Z-Lister, you are royally fucked. Don't think "Hey, it's finally time for Exploding Bear Cavalier's big moment!," because your tattered and bloodied uniform will soon be used to buff Bendis'shiny head. My advice: Kill someone. Anyone. And then blow up the world with your mind. That will make you a D-Lister, at best, and might make you eligible to die after three panel appearences.