Giant-Sized House Rules! Chapter 2: Reign of the HouseTs

On Deck: Birds of Prey #93, Avengers/Power Pack #1, Robin #149, and JSA Classified #11

And lo, a darkness spread along the internet. With no HouseT, ones upon ones of comic fans everywhere had nowhere to go to seek sweet reviewy goodness.

...except for the other hundred web-based review sites, blogs and message boards. But for the sake of this story, let's pretend this ***-hole is important.)

But then, from the darkness of adversity, they arose. Each with their own set of powers and abilities. Each with their own special take on the comic world, but also something else. A hidden spark of inspiration, insight, wit. Could one of these guest reviewers be the currently lost HouseT? Or could one or all host a darker agenda?


Birds of Prey #93

"Progeny Part Two: Gutshot Redemption"

Writer: Gail Simone
Art: Paulo Siqueira/Robin Riggs

Guest Reviewer: The One True HouseT

Note-a-Quote: "No, I mean... I call shotgun." -Zinda (Short skirt, big gun... there's woman I can support. She's got killing power.)

Don't let the others fool you. They may claim to be him, but I am the one true HouseT. And now that I'm back, there'll be no more of that mamby pamby nice guy crap. Intolerance will be met with swift and vicious punishment. When in doubt, beat them down and ask their corpses later. What's that? Corpses don't talk? They will. Oh, but they will...

Black Canary continues her training with the elderly woman known only as "Mother." Canary wonders if she could take Mother in a fight. She probably can't. Canary's a pacifistic wuss. She didn't even kill any of her sparring partners.

From the hospital, Huntress keeps watch over the injured Crime Doctor. Oracle reminds her that the Crime Doctor has information that they need so they need to keep him alive.

Meanwhile, Zinda, Shiva, and Gypsy head over to a boarding school to pick up Crime Doctor's daughter and keep her safe. Gypsy shows Shiva how she can turn herself invisible. Shiva is impressed that she didn't sense Gypsy while she was invisible and that the two should spar sometime. Good. Gypsy needs more killing power.

It turns out that that was a great idea, since no sooner have they acquired the spoiled brat than they're accosted by HIVE agents. Gypsy drives, Zinda shoots, and Shiva decides to go lay into people. I couldn't get too excited because apparently she's decided not to kill anyone. But she does do some maiming, so all isn't lost.

Oracle warns Huntress that something's up just as HIVE Troopers come storming through the window. These guys were just made to be broken, it seems, but that's okay as they serve only as a distraction. But you knew that, because it would be dumb to use them for anything important.

Shiva and Black Canary have a phone conversation whereby they discuss the terms of their current arrangement. The two have apparently decided to exchange life experiences. Someone's getting a raw deal in that exchange. Shiva should never have to lower herself to Canary's expectations. But lower herself she shall, because Canary has one more thing that Shiva has to do in order to stay "in character." Whatever it is, it probably sucks.

Huntress beats up more HIVE agents (seriously, I told you they were made to be broken) then goes to check on the Crime Doctor's room. Surprise, surprise... he's gone. That's some fine guard duty there, Huntress. Oracle sees the message left in the room and determines that they're facing a serious threat... Prometheus.

Hey, kids... check it out. Apparently Prometheus is dangerous again. I know he started out dangerous, and then he had that stretch where he was a lame-o with a fancy helmet, but now hes' dangerous again. Which is good, since he's such a respectable guy. He loses points, though, for kidnapping Crime Doctor instead of just outright killing. That doctor needs some serious killing, important intel or not.

The whole Canary/Shiva swap deal has its good points, but seems a bit contrived. We all know that Canary's going to be screwed over emotionally (most likely by the little girl she's grown attached to) and Shiva's going to be forced to do "nice" things (most likely for comedic value) so let's get on with it. To clarify, we skipped ahead to get to this point, so let's move on.

And what's with Babs doing all this stretching while she's working? Note to DC: stop trying to make a buzz. no one cares if Barbara will walk agian or not so long as A) she remains a top notch Oracle and B) when the need arises, she has enough leverage on her foot to plant it firmly into someone's rear end. She could make a boot gun for all I care...

Hmm. Boot gun. There's an idea. To the lab.

Story: 6/10 (Lack of killing aside, it's a good story.)
Art: 7/10 (Not enough Zinda legs, but it will do.)
Overall: 6/10 (Don't like the review? Like I care...)


Avengers/Power Pack: Assembled #1 (of 4)

"One for the Ages"

Writer: Marc Sumerak
Art: GuriHiru

Guest Reviewer: Chibi-House

Note-a-Quote: "I warned you... nobody makes me late for Spongebob." -Katie Power AKA the ultra coolest superhero in the universe (She totally is.)

Someone tried to make a copy of HouseT... don't ask why, no one really wants to know. But they failed, and came up a little... short. So now, you have me, the new HouseT!

Stop calling me Chibi! Just because I'm smaller doesn't make me chibi! I'm the real deal... and on top of it... I'm so cute!

The super-cool issue begins with Power Pack, those awesomely powered super-kids mopping up a crime scene. Katie totally talks trash to the bad guys. She's so cute!

The kids all go back to their normal lives. Julie and Katie decide to go to the library. Reading is fun! But Jack doesn't want to go. He wants to hang out with big brother Alex, but Alex is going to the veterans' retirement home to volunteer with his class. Community service is fun and cool, too! So Jack has to hang out wiht his sisters. Aw, Jack's so mopey cute...

Alex arrives at the senior center, but discovers his classmates are gone. Mr. Macginty, one of the veterans, tells Alex that he sent all the kids home early because one of his old war buddies is stopping by and he didn't want there to be a big fuss. Alex heads off, and Macginty goes to his room and checks out a picture dated 1943 of him and... Captain America?

Oh my gosh! Captain Amercia is soooo cool. He fights bad guys and nazis and stuff, and this one time, he jumped out of this plane that was really high, and he stood on his shield, and when he hit the ground he tucked and he rolled and he totally okay. Oh my gosh, he is the coolest!

What was I talking about before. Oh yeah. So across town, Captain America is checking out a Stark Enterprises building. Tony Stark (psst... he's really Iron Man. Don't tell anybody.) says that someone broke in, and since Cap is in the area he's decided to help out Tony by checking it out. Cap sees someone coming out of the building but it's just a janitor. Oh no! Tony says there shouldn't be any janitors in the building.

Cap goes to confront the janitor, and the janitor tries to hit Cap with his mop. That is not cool. Hitting people is wrong unless you're a superhero or a member of the LAPD. Haha, my joke was extra funny, because I don't live in LA. They totally can't beat me up here.

The janitor loses his disguise and turns into... Taskmaster?! Oh my gosh! Taskmaster is the coolest guy that is not a hero ever. He does lots of cool stuff. This one time, he fought Spider-Man, but Spidey totally clocked him. But that's okay, because Spidey is supposed to win. Taskmaster is still cool, though, except that he's mean.

Taskmaster and Cap start to fight, because good guys and bad guys have to fight when they see each other. Cap throws his shield at Taskmaster, and taskmaster catches it. I told you he was cool.

Elsewhere in the town, the Power kids (no seriously, that's their last name... isn't it cool?) all meet up at the library. Jack still says reading's for losers, but Julie says there's all kinds of adventures and stuff there. Katie says there's pretty pictures... she's so cute! Jack points out that they have plenty of action and adventure because they're super heroes. Which is great timing, because just then Cap and Tasky come by.

Cap corners Tasky, but Tasky throws Cap's own shield at him. Oh no! But the Power Pack kids arrive to save the day. Yay! Tasky tries to be all mean, but Katie shoots him in the face. Cap doesn't want to kids to help because it's dangerous, but the kids are all, "Step off, Cap. We got this." Then they start zapping at Tasky and stuff and he's all breakdancing and dodging, but they're like, "Screw that noise, dawg!" and they start teaming up on him and he's like, "Oh, snap, Power Pack is pwning me, fa-shizzle!" and Cap is all, "Dang! I'm glad they're on my side. Luke Cage don't kick @$$ like this..."

Okay, so I may have overexaggerated a little. But that's just about what happened.

Then Tasky is on the ground talking about how it's not over, but all the veterans from the retirement home show up in uniforms. Then they start beating Tasky up, too. No, I'm not pumping things up again; they really start fighting him. Taskmaster decides to retreat and everybody celebrates.

Alex is surprised to find out that Cap is Macginty's old war buddy, and Cap apologizes to the kids for telling them they shouldn't help. Meanwhile, back in some hidden base, Taskmaster turns over the data he stole to some shadowy bad guy. The bad guys pay taskmaster extra money because he had to take a super beatdown in the process. We don't know what the data was for, but there ar ea whole bunch of AIM cronies working there. Oh no!

This book was so cool! I wasn't going to buy this book at first, but I am so glad I did. Captain America is awesome! Do you know that one time, he was trapped, and Crossbones (Crossbones is mean) had Cap standing on a mine, and Cap stood on top of his shield and jumped off of it, and then he tucked and he rolled and he was completely okay! He's patrioti-cool!

And who knew that Taskmaster would show up? That was a double secret bonus surprise. And even though he was in an all ages book, he was still plenty mean.

And that was the best thing about this book. It was kid-friendly, but not watered down and super nice. It really was the kind of title that anyone could enjoy reading. There's even the potential of an long term villain in AIM. How can you not like that? It's super cool!

Power Pack was super great and awesome. Katie was the best, because she blows things up. And she has super attitude. She has cute pigtails, and she likes giant metal boots, and she will totally shoot someone in the face. But only if they're bad. If Power Pack had a regular title like this, it would totally rock and be super cool.

Story: 8/10 (All Ages fun is awesome!)
Art: 7/10 (All ages art is House-tastic! Take it from me.)
Overall: 8/10 (If you didn't like this review, you aren't awesome and are not my friend.)


Robin #149

"Assault on Precinct Nine"

Writer: Adam Beechen
Art: Freddie Williams II

Guest Reviewer: T. Houserton

Note-a-Quote: "Hello, Little Bird. You are not so little anymore, I don't think." -Lady Shiva (Well, he is drawn taller...)

T. Houserton here. No, I'm not really all that big on reviewing comics and such, but there's a void that needs filling. And since I have a keyboard and an internet connection, I'd better do my part.

Remember how Robin had that brilliant idea of getting a look at the fake Batgirl costume by breaking into the police precinct where it was being held? Well, that plan isn't going so good. After half an hour, all he's managed to do is get further from where he needs to be. With no other choice, Robin decides to just go for it

Robin manages to make his way into the evidence locker and gets his hands on the costume, but gets discovered in the process. He manages to evade the regular cops, but they have him sealed in the precinct with the special squad on the "Specials" (a SWAT team designed specifically for meta-humans) preparing to enter. The squad comes in and prepares to rush the only room that robn could possibly be holed up in...

Meanwhile in Calvin City, a second rate hood bullies a third rate hustler. The hood gripes about his big plans to the current blonde on his arm, but the blonde has other ideas in mind. With one subtle kiss, she ends his life then makes her way outside to receive payment. A figure emerges from the shadows and declares that the woman has been wasting her time and talent as a petty thug for hire. Striking from the shadows, the mystery assailant beats her to a pulp, then snaps her neck.

The Specials break down a door and find a rookie cop downed by Robin. The Specials send him outside and continue on to the last possible room Robin could be in. As the squad breaks down the last door, the rookie cop makes his way out the front door to the admonition of the group. The squad finds an unconscious cop in his underwear. As the Specials realize that Robin has escaped, a quite familiar looking "rookie cop," Batgirl mask in hand, makes his way into the background.

At Wayne Manor, Robin comes up short. He has no new evidence from the mask but a smudged fingerprint, and that isn't helping at all. He's about to give up when he finds a thin strip of paper in the lining of the eyehole. His discovery is interrupted by the arrival of Lady Shiva, who informs Tim that Nyssa Al Ghul was assassinated earlier tonight. With Talia tied up with the supervillain alliance, Nyssa assumed command of the League of Assassins. Shiva believes that the disappearance of Casssandra Cain, tim's framing, and Nyssa's death all occuring in the same night must all be connected in some way to the LoA. Tim tries to press Shiva for more info, but she simply tosses him aside and leaves, saying she can involve herself no further.

Examining the strip of paper he found, Tim manages to decipher a secret message. The note says that they have Cassandra Cain, and that David Cain must be brought to the Blaisdell oil fields at the given time, or they'll kill her.

Tim's certainly got his hands full. A simple night out for him turns out getting him tied up in an international plot, hunted by the police, and at wit's end. And the scary thing is, it all makes sense. As far fetched as the plot may be, it comes off as plausible. But then, it is a comic book, after all.

It's nice to see the Bat family continue to stay gelled in their books. Lady Shiva makes an impressive and also appropriate appearance in this book to provide information. The fact that she shows him respect gives his character more credibility, and the fact that he's willing to stand up to her doesn't hurt Tim's image, either.

If there's one complaint I would register, it would be that Tim gets a little too jokey in the police station while he's evading the police. Not that I mind a quip or two from him, but there's a fine line between light hearted and near insane. Tim is not Spider-Man or Deadpool.

This new arc of Robin has been pretty good so far. Tim appears to have stumbled into something much larger than he initially tought, but it should be interesting to see how he gets out of it.

I'm sure that if HouseT were here, he would no doubt make some offhand comments about how old school Tim using a cop costume as a disguise was, or how interesting it is that Shiva would just "drop in" through Tim's window. He might even go so far as to note that Tim and Shiva seem to share a color scheme here and there and no doubt make some lewd allusion to it. If only he were here. If only...

Story: 7/10 (Run of the mill plot, but solid story elements.)
Art: 6/10 (Clunky in places, but at least Tim is drawn like a young adult.)
Overall: 7/10 (I hope you enjoyed the review. I know it was nothing special...)


JSA Classified #11

"The Rise and Fall of Vandal Savage: Part Two"

Writer: Stuart Moore
Art: Paul Gulacy/Jimmy Palmiotti

Guest Reviewer: Bizarro HouseT


The Fat: Vandal Savage like green. Vandal Savage like lanterns. So it should come as complete surprise that Vandal Savage loves Green Lantern, Alan Scott. Since Vandal Savage have long time to live, Savage decide to leave Alan Scott alone and not make him pay.for causing trouble. Flashbacks show how Vandal keep getting lucky in life. Flashbacks show how Alan Scott never help friends, especially Sandman.

Vandal Savage keeps getting stronger and saner, but he not have good plan. Alan Scott, while not at home, gets no big surprise when his young solo enemy Wesley Dodds, the Sandman shows up to tell him they need to help Vandal Savage.

My Give: Me not know what you think. You think, "Why not use Bizarro HouseT? Bizarro part of 'Rise of Superman' storyline, so he make perfect choice." You crazy, but you're right. Bizarro talk make for bad entertainment and perfect use of long review.

This book has bad story, but it take too short a time. Vandal Savage live a long time and go saner; me not get that. But can we take more time getting to it? Me am immortal like Vandal Savage, and me not need to get on wth life.

Art is pretty bad in book, too. Art not focus on green things at wrong time to make nonsense of story. Maybe Savage is saner than me thought. Then again, maybe he crazier.

Terrible to see new school villain like original Sandman, too. But me think it's real deal. Not obvious at all that nothing strange is going on, especially when Vandal say nothing about it.

Story: 5/10 (Story should take more time and not be over soon.)
Art: 6/10 (Art ugly and not help story.)
Overall: 5/10 (What you mean, Bizarro HouseT witty gag? Me care, because me hate doing smart gimmicks anyway! Hey, nobody! No look at me! Me write Bizarro speak as good as Geoff Johns...!)


That's it for guest reviews. Hope they didn't cause too much damage, but if they did, don't worry. Like all good epic comic deaths, our hero will be back just in time to save the day... or will he.

...

Oh, you know he will. Sheesh.